LJ Idol- Week 7- hikikomori

[fausts_dream]

* Housekeeping

Zeke and Hannah will return if I do, as Hannah goes to Hell. It wouldn't be my first choice of for a date after so many years, bold strategy Cotton, we'll see if it works out for him.

The prompt this week was simply too "on the nose" for me to do anything else.

In the past, in keeping with my villainous persona, I have railed against "trigger warnings" and I still think it can spoil writing for the rest of us if we know what is coming. But my goal with "my story" is to help people someday, and I can't do that if I start out hurting someone. This entry features a suicide attempt, animal neglect and very frank talk about late-stage alcoholism *


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How do you make an introvert out of an extrovert (and I am a true extrovert, not an introvert/extrovert which seems to be all the rage nowadays). I would add copious amounts of alcohol and shame. I know, TV and movies have taught you alcohol makes introverts extroverted mostly to comedic effect, and that does happen. But on the "this is serious" end of drinking all those Dudley Moore/Amy Farrah Fowler expectations are thwarted.

There was always an element of drinking at home for me, even when I could trust myself to drink in bars. I am not a Rockefeller and 7 nights a week in "the club" would be prohibitively expensive, when I got to the stage where pissing myself and verbally fighting were part of almost every time I drank, "taking it to the house" seemed prudent.

I was unemployed at this time, and never set an alarm, but I woke up at 6:45 religiously, it was long enough to throw on some clothes, sometimes comically seasonally inappropriate ones (on one occasion suit pants and a t-shirt with shoes on the wrong foot, frequently shorts on the coldest days of the year, whatever I could grab quickly) and go to the corner store.

I started drinking then, about 7:10 A.M, and I stopped between 2 and 3 A.M when I passed out. Part of this was during Covid, part of it was not, the difference was only if I wore a mask when going to the beer store or the liquor store. Either way I saw no one, but my wonderful dog Dixie (Ava was nearing the end of her life at the start of this, but that is too dark, even for me...She had Cancer and I couldn't really afford vet visits, I did what was my best at the time). Dixie is a blue heeler (eventually she was taken away from me, the day I was evicted) but at this point my love potato was working full time to keep me mentally afloat. (As opposed to literally afloat, my brain was swimming in so much alcohol it was pretty pickled).

My days consisted of a lot of pacing around while listening to loud music (rock and alternative mostly but my Spotify list seems like it was selected while drunk, for some reason, even now that I am not.) Watching good movies, reading good books and making bad conversation with people that loved me, usually via text or especially Facebook Messenger.

You see, even though I was so hammered, all the time, that sex would have been a pipe dream and even er, self-service was a demeaning, humbling chore...I felt compelled to start up sexual conversations with any woman in range, and with Facebook friends as far away as New Zealand, it was quite a range. Most of them used the unfriend/block method to eliminate this pest, and it became a game with me to see how many friends I had before I started chatting vs how many I woke with the next morning.

One day I got tired of it and decided to kill myself with Benadryl, why Benadryl, sure...I probably guessed it wouldn't work and would maybe get me attention, oh internet thought police. I also had already taken all of my aunt's slightly expired Vicodin and Hydrocodone and everything else that might get you "high". Anyway, I don't recommend Benadryl in the 250 plus pills dosage, it leaves you completely aware but paralyzed, or it did me, your mileage may vary, but I am confident it will be a nightmare. Dixie lay on me for hours, keeping my fraying mind from dissolving entirely. This is where the dramatist in me would say "Inject some humor, you have to get up off the audience's chest at some point if you want them to not be numb to the horror" very well, the TV was on "Everybody Loves Raymond", I lost the ability to walk and it was some kind of TBS marathon. I HATE that show, to see it now, would provoke a trauma response. I guess it could have been worse, Fox news existed then as now.

Eventually I broke the TV and found myself watching a 2-inch screen most of my days. The days I didn't drink, due to finances or some misguided return of morality, were, if possible, worse. My blood pressure shot to 200 over something and my tinnitus forced me to the couch crying at almost exactly 4 p.m. my body was convinced that it was drink or die and my survival instinct was strong.

Blue Heelers are an active breed but mine was reduced to love and worry, long walks became me letting her out the door and hoping for the best. When they evicted me, she was taken by animal control to a shelter, then her own rehab. During early recovery, someone told me she had found a family with a child, I hope that is true. It feels true, she is such a great dog someone would want her.

I don't know how I got out of this. I just had no other moves, I had to die, or I had to stop. Enough people cared enough to help me somehow, get to stop.

O.k. so FINALLY here is the hope part. If you are like me, no, you will never get to "drink like a lady or a gentleman" again, it's over, it's probably been over a long time. And the withdrawals will absolutely kick your ass like it has never been kicked before, I recommend medical supervision, God has many names, among them Valium and Ativan.

The good news is the Withdrawals end, you don't get to get a righteous buzz anymore, but sometimes you get to catch a ballgame, or a play, or do some work (paid and unpaid), meet other people like you who actually understand. You get to connect with something better, regardless of your religious beliefs. I even kissed a girl (and like Katy Perry, I liked it).

This entry is dedicated to the wonderful Dixienne Consuela Donuts, I would not be here without you Dixie, I love you, wherever you are!

Comments

[chasing_silver]

Though we unfriended over a silly post, I checked in with people who knew you long afterwards and I wanted to continue to follow you. I regret unfriending, as I think no matter how belligerent you became, that was never really the Fully I knew, just a side of him that addiction brought out. You are, and always have been, a gentleman and I'm glad I know you now ... I'm glad you came out of there. This was raw and beautiful and man, you are laying it out there and I'm glad. I'm glad because all the worry I had about you all these years was for real and you're still here.

[sohardtohold]

Hugs. You have come though hell to find yourself again. Welcome back, my friend.

[adoptedwriter]

Hugs...As always, so well-expressed.

[xeena]

So raw and amazingly written.
Dogs are the best. I got one of my dogs who passed away back in 2019, in 2004, during the absolute worst time in my life and honestly he saved me.
Withdrawals for things are the absolute worst. it's not just the withdrawals either, it's the adjustments after. It's so hard at first, one of my favorite movies said it best: Once the pain goes away, that's when the real battle starts. Depression. Boredom. You feel so fucking low, you'll want to fucking top yourself.
But getting through all that is so worth it just like you wrote. The end paragraph makes me so happy to read and I wish you only the best!! 🫂
Also, I've said this so often but really feel like I should say again how much I truly genuinely admire your strength and how you've fought so hard.

[mollywheezy]

Thank you for sharing with such vulnerability and honesty. I'm glad you made it/are making it. One of my closest friends had a blue heeler named Boo and Dixie reminded me of him.

[reidharriscooper]

You're ability top have gone through the hell and look back on it with such open clear eyes, it almost reads like fiction (oh but if it was...). Solidarity!

[roina_arwen]

Thank you for sharing this with us. I hope Dixie has a good family who loves her, and I'm glad she was able to be there for you when you needed her.

[muchtooarrogant]

The picture you paint of Dixie is awesome. Dogs are such amazing creatures.

Dan

[static_abyss]

Thank you sharing your story with us. I wish you all the best always!

[pixiebelle]

I’m a dog person, so this really hit me hard. I’m so sorry you lost Dixie. I feel like dogs are better than people. They love unconditionally and can help us heal. I know mine have.

I love her name too. All my pets have long names like that with a shortened nickname and hers is adorable.

[halfshellvenus]

This was a dark, self-destructive period, and I'm SO glad you made it out the other side. Thank goodness you were able to pull that off.

I'm so sorry you lost Dixie, though! That's heartbreaking. I hope she's in a good place with a loving family, and I'm grateful she was there when you needed her most.

[rayaso]

If this wasn't personal hell on earth, I don't know what is. This was brutal and honest, and I'm so glad you made it out.

[inkstainedfingertips]

Facing up to one's demons is harsh, but courageous. Good on you for giving yourself the strength and grace to come through your personal hell.

[alycewilson]

This made me tear up. Raw and moving and masterful.

[murielle]

I'm am a firm believer in the love of critters.

I am so glad you got through it and are with us today.

Congratulations! Kudos! Cheers! ❤❤❤

[bleodswean]

I'm so sorry. It's wonderful that you're here now and able to write like this.

[tonithegreat]

Man, this is truly a hard entry to comment on because what you shared is so raw and real. I’m glad you’re through to a place where you can share this and the rest of what you share here.

The Truth

[readingfool]

Your post is raw and vital. I'm sure you're tired of folks saying they're "rooting for you" from a safe distance. The thing is you're battling a beast so few of us understand, (regardless of what we may claim) and it scares the hell out of us all. Your honesty here might save someone's life through other-side testimonial or don't-try-this-at-home prevention measure. Even if 30-something people had replied, even if no one ever saw it, even if you never wrote it, Dixie is proud of you and SO happy that you're alive.