LJ Idol Week 7- Steadfast

[fausts_dream]

Meet Mr. Raymond

A fighter, from nobody and nowhere
From saw his daddy suck a dick for crack rock
His mother preferred bottom shelf vodka
The kind that bounces, not shatters when you drop it

The fights on the playground, the cafeteria, the neighborhood got him in trouble
Got him shot once
But the fights in the battered old ring got him noticed

He's not very quick but he's strong
He doesn't have much technique, but that chin
Nothing even resembling ring savvy, but that ridiculous endurance

Mr. Raymond doesn't fight 12 rounds
He fights round one, as many times as he has to, in a row.
Natural charisma
His smile was morning, but his fists were midnight

Not concerned with being flashy in the ring
His mouth does the promoting
His fists deposit faithfully to the Bank of Liver and Kidney
Paying big dividends in the middle rounds

Watch the power puncher tire
Watch the ring technician despair
Their best shots shrugged off like water on wax
As his machine rolls on

Weeks turn to years
Checks cash, women dance, writers love the quote machine
Opposing trainers think he is nothing special on film
Only to see their fighters start looking for reasons to quit in the 5th

He's old and he's slow and his power is not what it once was
He was never deceptive, even in his prime
He's beating you with his name
He is hitting you with his reputation

He puts you away all the same.

Married now, 3 kids, who will never have gloves cut off of their hands
Beautiful wife, reality TV star
They say he should quit, while he still has his mind
But the anger hasn't dissipated yet, though it is close, maybe next fight

The next big thing
Unbeaten kid with speed and power for days
Touches gloves with the aging champ
Looks at that shark smile
Listens for the bell, already beaten

Comments

[static_abyss]

I love the tone and voice in this. It feels powerful like Mr. Raymond. Excellent from beginning to end.

[bsgsix]

There is so much raw, sad power in this. The first four lines grabbed me for certain (and felt a bit relevant regarding my past). I think this would sound amazing read out loud - it's very well-written, but hearing it would add a tremendous element to this as well.

[murielle]

Oh, that last verse! Those last two lines!

What a tragic tale, but what a tale of triumph!

Well done!

[tuttle]

"Only to see their fighters start looking for reasons to quit in the 5th," is MONEY. That closing line is perfection. Good stuff, good sir.

[song_of_thea]

I really like the pace and rhythm of this piece.

[favoritebean_writes]

One of my deceased relatives was a boxer. He died long before I was born, but I can imagine what he might have led a similar life as the person in your narrative.

[alycewilson]

Terrific narrative poem. Love the creative descriptions, like his smile was morning and his fists were midnight.

[halfshellvenus]

I love the power of persistence here, where a desolate childhood doesn't stop Mr. Raymond, nor do challenges or challengers-- no matter how much bigger or stronger or fresher. He stays in and fights and eventually wears them down.

Mr. Raymond doesn't fight 12 rounds
He fights round one, as many times as he has to, in a row.
This is as good a formula for success as any I've heard. :)

[the_eternal_overthinker]

Waah! (it's a Hindi equivalent to wow ) I loved the rhythm and the pace. I ending is terrific. I loved how you told the entire life story in few stanzas yet each of them being as impactful as Mr. Raymond's punch. Kudos! Well done.

[bleodswean]

Amazing endurance here, the imagery just keeps coming and coming, a word fist to the head! Great job!

[dmousey]

"His smile was morning, but his fists were midnight" Glorious...

😊✌🐭🐁

[rayaso]

This was a great poem, with so many good parts. I love the way you condensed so much into simple descriptions, such as the bottom shelf vodka that bounces. Did you have any particular boxer in mind when you wrote this? Kudos.

[wolfden]

There is a lot of power in this. I think it is really well done.

[onecheapdate]

Whoa, this is super powerful. There are so many gut-punching lines that are so simple, but say so much. "His smile was morning, but his fists were midnight," is just like... OOF. This definitely has a slam poetry feel to it and evokes so much emotion. Really awesome job.

[bellatrixe]

I really love the tone and pacing here. That last line is beautiful and haunting. Terrific job with this!

[moretta]

I really like this line: His smile was morning, but his fists were midnight

Mr Raymond gonna knock you out.

[troof_therry]

I like this poem a lot, especially the ambiguity at the end about who is beaten and to what degree. Also awesome is your use of action to frame the meaning--like others have said, it has the rhythm of boxing in it.

[flipflop_diva]

I really enjoyed this! It's kind of weird to call it a fun story, since it's actually quite tragic, but it was fun reading it. The last line, though — wow. Just perfect!

[readingfool]

Broken-teeth-and-fuzzy-logic real. The perspective shift and ambiguous ending is a perfect closing touch. The spirit of Sonny Liston nods in approval.