LJ Idol Week 11- Long Distance Dedication
Jan. 9th, 2019 07:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fausts_dreamHi, my name is fausts_dream, you probably remember me for my powerful, yet subtle performance as Sexx Luthor in Lustice League of America.
Today I am here to give advice on how to nurture a long distance romance. This sort of thing is especially useful to we LiveJournal refugees, and wanna-be writers in specific. Because you know how much we love the idea of loving someone for the beauty of their words, nay...the beauty of their amazing, wonderful souls. This kind of crossing of stars and time zones is irresistible to we warriors of quill and keyboard.
So in order to lend my aid and support to bringing about these amazing feats of serendipity I have but one small, amuse-bouche of advise. DON'T, JUST DON'T.
As a veteran of long distance relationships with women from L.A, Delaware, Georgia and Western Canada (I live in Houston, Texas, birthplace of humidity)....really, skip it, watch 342 consecutive Hallmark movies or that Lithuanian Yak Porn you have been saving for special occasions but DO NOT GET INTO A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP.
There are two possible stages of a long distance relationship. That amazing, blissful state where you are really, really connecting, more than would be possible with these drones who ACTUALLY LIVE NEAR YOU. You have found THE ONE, and they are a mere 2340 miles away. What, they make airplanes now. Mere distance can't overcome TRUE LOVE. During this, happy, joyous stage....you are also miserable because YOU CAN'T BE PHYSICALLY TOGETHER! CRUEL FATE.
The other stage, the distance has worn you down, you are upset because without benefit of tone of voice, some text message struck you as wrong, INDEED AS A BETRAYAL OF YOUR PERFECT LOVE. And now, you are still miserable, but not because of the tyranny of distance, but because you are missing out on ALL THE SEX.
Even profoundly undesirable partners like me get propositioned no fewer than 700 Times a day when in a long-distance relationship* *(Statistics provided by the National Academy of Bitterness). Yes, the mail-person, your mother's Avon Lady, the lightly mustachioed woman at Quiznos, they all want to do you RIGHT NOW when you are in an LDR.
Not that you aren't having sex, oh no, there is nothing like a hot session of cyber, phone, or video se.....
er....is anyone actually comfortable with this stuff. Oh I have done it, I will probably do it again, given a chance, my libido has no shame even if I do. But really, does anyone look good flogging their salami or flicking their bean on Skype? I always feel like I am on the worlds worst episode of National Geographic- Animals Gone Wild.
None of my long distance amours have ever intentionally mislead me about their appearance or any relevant details about their lives or personalities...but most flaws are, shall we say, a little easier to deal with when one has a nice 1000 mile cushion. Then you mix harsh reality into the fantasy, add to it the pressure of trying to cram 9 months of sex into a 2 week visit and you have a recipe for MELTDOWN.
Look, you do you, boo. But I urge you to swipe right, set your OK Cupid settings to within 50 miles. Go ahead and give that secret Grinder app you have installed on the other phone another whirl. I think you will be happier for it.
Today I am here to give advice on how to nurture a long distance romance. This sort of thing is especially useful to we LiveJournal refugees, and wanna-be writers in specific. Because you know how much we love the idea of loving someone for the beauty of their words, nay...the beauty of their amazing, wonderful souls. This kind of crossing of stars and time zones is irresistible to we warriors of quill and keyboard.
So in order to lend my aid and support to bringing about these amazing feats of serendipity I have but one small, amuse-bouche of advise. DON'T, JUST DON'T.
As a veteran of long distance relationships with women from L.A, Delaware, Georgia and Western Canada (I live in Houston, Texas, birthplace of humidity)....really, skip it, watch 342 consecutive Hallmark movies or that Lithuanian Yak Porn you have been saving for special occasions but DO NOT GET INTO A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP.
There are two possible stages of a long distance relationship. That amazing, blissful state where you are really, really connecting, more than would be possible with these drones who ACTUALLY LIVE NEAR YOU. You have found THE ONE, and they are a mere 2340 miles away. What, they make airplanes now. Mere distance can't overcome TRUE LOVE. During this, happy, joyous stage....you are also miserable because YOU CAN'T BE PHYSICALLY TOGETHER! CRUEL FATE.
The other stage, the distance has worn you down, you are upset because without benefit of tone of voice, some text message struck you as wrong, INDEED AS A BETRAYAL OF YOUR PERFECT LOVE. And now, you are still miserable, but not because of the tyranny of distance, but because you are missing out on ALL THE SEX.
Even profoundly undesirable partners like me get propositioned no fewer than 700 Times a day when in a long-distance relationship* *(Statistics provided by the National Academy of Bitterness). Yes, the mail-person, your mother's Avon Lady, the lightly mustachioed woman at Quiznos, they all want to do you RIGHT NOW when you are in an LDR.
Not that you aren't having sex, oh no, there is nothing like a hot session of cyber, phone, or video se.....
er....is anyone actually comfortable with this stuff. Oh I have done it, I will probably do it again, given a chance, my libido has no shame even if I do. But really, does anyone look good flogging their salami or flicking their bean on Skype? I always feel like I am on the worlds worst episode of National Geographic- Animals Gone Wild.
None of my long distance amours have ever intentionally mislead me about their appearance or any relevant details about their lives or personalities...but most flaws are, shall we say, a little easier to deal with when one has a nice 1000 mile cushion. Then you mix harsh reality into the fantasy, add to it the pressure of trying to cram 9 months of sex into a 2 week visit and you have a recipe for MELTDOWN.
Look, you do you, boo. But I urge you to swipe right, set your OK Cupid settings to within 50 miles. Go ahead and give that secret Grinder app you have installed on the other phone another whirl. I think you will be happier for it.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-10 04:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-10 05:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-10 07:10 pm (UTC)I once long distance "dated" a gal for 4 months
We met through a beautifully written fantasy larp on omegle 😂
no subject
Date: 2019-01-10 07:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-10 09:16 pm (UTC)This was terrific-- the tone, the humor, the details.
more than would be possible with these drones who ACTUALLY LIVE NEAR YOU.
The word 'drones' made this especially funny, much like the Lithuanian Yak Porn, birthplace of humidity, and BETRAYAL OF YOUR PERFECT LOVE.
And the poetry of 'warriors of quill and keyboard' was perfect.
I fear you have both duly warned and enticed people at the same time. ;)
no subject
Date: 2019-01-10 10:55 pm (UTC)Finally dating someone I met on OKCupid who lived about five minutes away from me, and it's great. It's so much easier! Why did I do it to myself before?
Great piece. :)
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Date: 2019-01-11 12:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-11 03:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-11 01:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-11 05:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-13 06:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-13 09:12 pm (UTC)I have recently seen a few or the remnants of a few. Not pretty. Flying high, high, high, when it's working, utterly destroyed when it falls apart.
I'm with you. Just don't!