LJ Idol Week 13- Enjoy Every Sandwich

[fausts_dream]

Can't enjoy this one Boss. First sober day after a 5 day drinking and gambling binge. Hard to focus on this 4th period class. Perhaps I will be fired, there is a part of me that cares. Part of me wants to abandon this damn class to it's own devices. No, literally devices their cell phones dominate their lives daily as the desire for liquor does mine today. If I had a pint in my desk I would drink it, to hell with the consequences.

Luckily I have none. Or perhaps unluckily, I feel a meltdown coming, My hands are shaking to the point it is obvious.

I knew I should stop as early as Saturday, I knew I was in a bad place emotionally. Raw nerves from my pending divorce. Too much alcohol for too long. Pissing in the floor of my room in defiance. At least the expression on my face is neutral, my students can not tell, save the one reading this over my shoulder.

The fear of melting down completely makes my brow damp. But if I could control my damn hands it would at least be something.

(To Be Continued)

The Madness is passing. I read Elle Weisel's Night to 5th period. The Holocaust makes my problems seem small and trite. But I am desperate. My system craves alcohol like a fever even though I know that it would ruin my life completely.


I wish I could show you my hands, it might bring a little levity to this sordidness. It is like a bored puppetmaster is playing with my strings (and I just realized that was a good, albeit unintentional metaphor.


So much weakness. I disgust myself. My lunch is next, not a sandwich, probably a bottle of....water. Unless the compulsion overcomes my last thread of sanity.


I hate this damn disease, hate it more than all the 10 grader cell phones put together.

So angry and so sad at once. I need to find my focus. I need to end this goddamned day.

Comments

[bellatrix_lestrange]

This was very powerfully done. You described the struggle to perfection in few words.
For what it's worth, I don't think you exhibit weakness at all, quite the opposite actually. I think you show much resilience and willpower.
Rooting for you <3

[kimschlotwrites]

I really enjoyed this! At first I thought it was going to be a light hearted piece. Then it got serious really fast

[bsgsix]

Very deep, and very thoughtful. I've been here and I understand this madness. But it's not weakness. I think it's strength, especially in sharing it. Thank you for doing so.

[bleodswean]

This is brutal. And true. And makes me feel equal amounts of panic and empathy. Well written.

[static_abyss]

Your choices in punctuation and in format really worked in this piece. Wishing you the best.

[rayaso]

This was so direct and visceral. You did a great job describing what it is like to live with this disease in so few words.

[halfshellvenus]

It's such a battle, and the way you describe it, you make us feel it.

I like that you took a prompt that is essentially, "Live and enjoy the moment," and turned it into how sometimes the moment and every moment that follows is instead a misery that you're just trying to endure until it get better. You're living in the moment, all right, but you're trying to see beyond it and to hang on until you get there.

I'm sorry this is such a rough time, but I sure understand why. :(

[itsjust_c]

This is a very descriptive and powerful piece. Thank you for sharing this.

[babydramatic_1950]

Very well done, and believable. Said what needed to be said. I haven't had a drink since 1975. Thankfully, back then I didn't have to teach a class.

[song_of_thea]

I'm sorry that you're in this particular space. Addiction is such a brutal disease, and I think most people don't understand its effects. I hope you can find your focus and find solace.