fausts_dream

Can't enjoy this one Boss. First sober day after a 5 day drinking and gambling binge. Hard to focus on this 4th period class. Perhaps I will be fired, there is a part of me that cares. Part of me wants to abandon this damn class to it's own devices. No, literally devices their cell phones dominate their lives daily as the desire for liquor does mine today. If I had a pint in my desk I would drink it, to hell with the consequences.

Luckily I have none. Or perhaps unluckily, I feel a meltdown coming, My hands are shaking to the point it is obvious.

I knew I should stop as early as Saturday, I knew I was in a bad place emotionally. Raw nerves from my pending divorce. Too much alcohol for too long. Pissing in the floor of my room in defiance. At least the expression on my face is neutral, my students can not tell, save the one reading this over my shoulder.

The fear of melting down completely makes my brow damp. But if I could control my damn hands it would at least be something.

(To Be Continued)

The Madness is passing. I read Elle Weisel's Night to 5th period. The Holocaust makes my problems seem small and trite. But I am desperate. My system craves alcohol like a fever even though I know that it would ruin my life completely.

I wish I could show you my hands, it might bring a little levity to this sordidness. It is like a bored puppetmaster is playing with my strings (and I just realized that was a good, albeit unintentional metaphor.

So much weakness. I disgust myself. My lunch is next, not a sandwich, probably a bottle of....water. Unless the compulsion overcomes my last thread of sanity.

I hate this damn disease, hate it more than all the 10 grader cell phones put together.

So angry and so sad at once. I need to find my focus. I need to end this goddamned day.