LJ Idol Week 10- Nadir

[fausts_dream]

I have a secret....come closer...yes....don't be afraid. The world will hurt you, but I won't, or maybe I will, I never know anymore.

It's awful....and I am the easiest of easy targets, and rightly so.

I have been told my perception of reality is colored by my privilege and my experience. And though my heart rails against it, my mind knows it to be so.

Listen, I am a drunkard. Sometimes I raise my voice to women. I am big, and loud and when I am "in my cups" I don't think, before I shout.

I have been told that a shouting man is awful to a woman. That they experience each syllable as a powerful fist or a kick. Intentions are not the same as actions and as the son of a rape victim I have no reason to disbelieve.

Everyone assumes my separation is all my doing. The loud, drunk guy....and the infinitely patient first time wife past 40....I lured her, and abused her....and I did some horrible thing, maybe I cheated, maybe I put my hands on her. Some horrible thing.

It is easier to be the villain. I don't want to say hurtful things about the woman I still love. She has infiltrated all my circles...theater...academia. And even the people who knew me first, knew me sharper...assume I did something bad. I let them think that.

I guess in letting things seem worse than they were, I get the comfort of knowing it is a lie. Though the truth is horrible, nasty and violent enough without the patriarchal man/woman embellishment.

I still love her.

It is too late to find another like her.

It is not as bad as it seems...and worse than you could possibly dream.

Maybe some other time I will get a handle on it. Maybe one day I won't feel that I am eating my heart with a spoon.

As it is I hope for the best and know the worst is just another day.

Comments

[bsgsix]

No matter what happened, 1)this was powerful, 2)I'm in no place to judge, and 3)I wrote an entire collection of essays on why it is easier to be the villain. The book is called Villain. It sold moderately well.

No matter what did or didn't happen, the truth has three sides.

I understand this in a different way than perhaps you intended, but, there you have it. I know. I, too, would rather be the low villain than the girl on the high horse. It's easier for everyone that way.

Thank you for sharing this. It is raw.

[favoritebean]

This is powerful and so sad. It is easier to be the villain, but I only know second hand. I do hope things get better.

[sonreir]

There are two sides to every story. I wonder, sometimes, what my former partner would say about me. I had to check the location reading this, because I feared it may have been him (the ages are wrong, but the rest checks out).

Interesting perspective. Thank you for sharing.

[bleodswean]

Love how raw and brutal this is in its honesty.

[the_eternal_overthinker]

*Hugs* Being honest with oneself is difficult and baring yourself out to the world is still more so. This was sad and yet powerful.

[static_abyss]

Powerful piece. I wish you all the best with your current situation.

[halfshellvenus]

This is such an honest and unsparing look at how things are-- as well as how they look, in part because you're choosing to reduce your ex-wife's pain even as you offer no such comfort to yourself.

I'm so sorry the marriage didn't work out-- I remember the hopes you had for it, and I remember my own hopes for the two of you. Whatever the why or how, and which of many factors might have played into it, that it ended is still the tragic truth that still remains. :(

[spilledink562]

This is powerfully written and feels like a kick to the gut. It's visceral and raw and expressed so strongly.

[tonithegreat]

This was deftly done, and I empathize deeply with you. Woman that I am, I am also a veritable giant at 6’5” and I was raised in an “everyone raises their voice” situation without the specter of real fear of violence in the equation. My husband was not. I try not to yell. Sometimes. But I spend a lot of time being frustrated. I need to do better.