LJ Idol Week 10- Nadir
Dec. 29th, 2018 05:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fausts_dreamI have a secret....come closer...yes....don't be afraid. The world will hurt you, but I won't, or maybe I will, I never know anymore.
It's awful....and I am the easiest of easy targets, and rightly so.
I have been told my perception of reality is colored by my privilege and my experience. And though my heart rails against it, my mind knows it to be so.
Listen, I am a drunkard. Sometimes I raise my voice to women. I am big, and loud and when I am "in my cups" I don't think, before I shout.
I have been told that a shouting man is awful to a woman. That they experience each syllable as a powerful fist or a kick. Intentions are not the same as actions and as the son of a rape victim I have no reason to disbelieve.
Everyone assumes my separation is all my doing. The loud, drunk guy....and the infinitely patient first time wife past 40....I lured her, and abused her....and I did some horrible thing, maybe I cheated, maybe I put my hands on her. Some horrible thing.
It is easier to be the villain. I don't want to say hurtful things about the woman I still love. She has infiltrated all my circles...theater...academia. And even the people who knew me first, knew me sharper...assume I did something bad. I let them think that.
I guess in letting things seem worse than they were, I get the comfort of knowing it is a lie. Though the truth is horrible, nasty and violent enough without the patriarchal man/woman embellishment.
I still love her.
It is too late to find another like her.
It is not as bad as it seems...and worse than you could possibly dream.
Maybe some other time I will get a handle on it. Maybe one day I won't feel that I am eating my heart with a spoon.
As it is I hope for the best and know the worst is just another day.
It's awful....and I am the easiest of easy targets, and rightly so.
I have been told my perception of reality is colored by my privilege and my experience. And though my heart rails against it, my mind knows it to be so.
Listen, I am a drunkard. Sometimes I raise my voice to women. I am big, and loud and when I am "in my cups" I don't think, before I shout.
I have been told that a shouting man is awful to a woman. That they experience each syllable as a powerful fist or a kick. Intentions are not the same as actions and as the son of a rape victim I have no reason to disbelieve.
Everyone assumes my separation is all my doing. The loud, drunk guy....and the infinitely patient first time wife past 40....I lured her, and abused her....and I did some horrible thing, maybe I cheated, maybe I put my hands on her. Some horrible thing.
It is easier to be the villain. I don't want to say hurtful things about the woman I still love. She has infiltrated all my circles...theater...academia. And even the people who knew me first, knew me sharper...assume I did something bad. I let them think that.
I guess in letting things seem worse than they were, I get the comfort of knowing it is a lie. Though the truth is horrible, nasty and violent enough without the patriarchal man/woman embellishment.
I still love her.
It is too late to find another like her.
It is not as bad as it seems...and worse than you could possibly dream.
Maybe some other time I will get a handle on it. Maybe one day I won't feel that I am eating my heart with a spoon.
As it is I hope for the best and know the worst is just another day.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-04 08:14 am (UTC)